Saturday, August 6, 2011

The First Paragraph of My Second Novel Now on "Paper" - But Which PoA?

I realize it is only one paragraph each and neither the message nor the theme can be devised or understood from passages as short as these, but if you have an opinion on which one sounds or is better, first or third PoV, I'd love to hear from you!  This is all I have written so far - the rest is in my head.  And I will (try to) stay true to my word and start with (some version) of a synopsis first.

WiPv1

The massive lock jolted open with a sudden thud, as if it had just awoken from an unexpectedly long and restful sleep. I gave the handle a gentle push and stepped inside.  Although the air was stale, the mellow rays of the afternoon sun lent the room its familiar warmth.  For a moment I thought she would come out of the kitchen carrying a trey of poppyseed beigli in her hand and a reassuring smile on her face.  Knowing that soon I would be cleaning and packing up my grandmother's house felt like she died again; I felt guilty having to remove the memories that witnessed her long and adventurous life. 

WiPv2
Julianna pressed down on the rusty handle and it gave way with a sudden thud.  She pushed it gently and stepped inside.  Warm afternoon sunlight flooded the living room and the hallway and Julianna took a deep breath.  She turned toward the kitchen and, for a moment, a smile full of expectation and sadness flashed though her face.  Here she was, two years after her grandmother's death, ready to clean the house and remove Teresa's personal belongings so that the new owner could put his mark on the house that witnessed her long and adventurous life. 

8 comments:

  1. I like the second one better.

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  2. Same here. I like the second one. It's much clearer and captures what's going on.

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  3. The second is probably best, though the first is beautifully written, too!

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  4. Hi Richard, Donna, and Lindy,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment - your thoughts are very helpful! I am so biased; I always use first but that did not get even one "vote," so I really need to rethink where I want the story to go and what my main objective is this time around. And I have to remember clarity!

    In my first novel first person was a must - only the protagonists inner thoughts and struggles matter. Here, in my second-to-be, there is more of a story I need to tell.

    I hope you all have a great weekend.

    Best,

    E.D.

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  5. It isn't a lot to go on, but I say second one. I think I got a better sense of your character from it.

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  6. Okay. Funny thing here because I don't like 3rd person, but your voice comes out way better in the second.

    That's the difference between writing a story and selling a book :D

    Nice :D

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  7. Erin & Jolene,

    Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. I am still digesting all the comments - and haven't written another word yet! Writing truly is a challenge.

    Best,
    E.D.

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